The Reality of Depression

I have not really written in quite a while. I was in two minds whether to write this post or wait until  I felt better, but I’m  going to write it anyway. I think, as my readers, you appreciate the honesty whether it makes you laugh  or makes  you cry, and I cannot be anything other than myself,  despite often wishing I was anyone but me. I am hoping that sharing my story will help me in some way, writing is therapeutic to me. I am able to type things that I cannot easily verbalise.

I know a lot of you, or someone you love, live in the silent nightmare of depression and anxiety, so I owe it to you to be a voice in the darkness, to let you know that you are definitely not alone, and definitely not crazy.

I go through cycles of depression. Sometimes I have weeks where I feel strong enough to walk through the day without letting the black cloud grip me. I feel loved, I have patience, I feel ok, then wham bam it gets me. Right in the heart. Sometimes totally out of the blue.

Other times I feel the big black cloud creeping upon me, those days I dread waking the next morning because I know a day of torture awaits me.

The last few weeks have felt particularly rough for me, for so many reasons, but mainly reasons unknown to me. I feel absolutely nothing, but feel everything all at once. I need someone with me all of the time, but I want to be alone. I feel like I can’t breath. I don’t want to stay home, but the thought of going out grips my throat. I feel worthless. I know without a doubt my husband and my family love me, but I feel unlovable. I often feel like they shouldn’t love me. They deserve so much more than me.

I have fought this monster for 21 years, I’m weary, and the cracks are showing. I want to be strong, and who my family need me to be. I paint on a façade, a face, but I’m also painfully aware that it’s a transparent exterior to my family. I am not pretending too well anymore. I want to be the fun momma who does crafts, and makes fun memories, and whilst I still do that I am scared my yelling will erase the happiness.

I feel more snappy, less patient. The additional needs of my children overwhelm me, and scare me. It’s a new world to me, and it is so hard. I try my best but I am terrified of not being a good enough parent to them. I am scared they will feel how I have been left feeling. I just want them to feel loved. I desperately want to be good enough for them but this big back cloud robs me of that.

Do you know how tiring it is to constantly tell yourself that the world would be better without you? Depression tortures your brain and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You cannot snap out of it. I feel ashamed of it, but I refuse to keep it secret. I need to know others feel the same too. Loneliness is a killer.

I know it sounds almost crazy to talk about not wanting to be here, but that is the reality of depression. This is how it makes you feel. It makes your heart weary. I want to be honest. I need to be honest.

When you find yourself in this big black cloud tell someone, anyone. Do not let depression silence you. Do not let anxieties keep you quiet. There is freedom in talking, texting, messaging. Fight every urge you have to end things. Do not give up. Depression is a liar, a big fat stinking liar, but a very convincing one.

Depression doesn’t make you a bad parent, despite it telling you otherwise, it’s an illness. An invisible illness. That’s what makes it so difficult to admit to, but there is no shame in speaking about it, which is why I am sharing my journey with you.

Some days I feel way below par on this motherhood journey. It’s way too hard. I long for things to be different. I don’t want to waste my precious days with my kids feeling like this, but I have to plod on through those days. I worry if people knew the true extent of this monster that they would think I am not up to the task of being a momma. I think I need to work on my self esteem.

Please know that you are not crazy, and you are not alone, I am right here in this fight with you, and despite every feeling I have I vow to stick around to win this fight. I owe it to my babies. I owe it to myself, one day I will believe this too.

You owe it to yourself too, be honest, be you. Keep fighting.

11 replies
  1. Helen
    Helen says:

    Thank you for saying all this and with such honesty. So many of the things you say ring true with me. At the darkest moments I believe that my family would be better off without me, that I’m holding them back. Worst of all, I dread my kids turning out like me. But you’re absolutely right – you have to keep fighting no matter how hard it is and how exhausted you feel by it all. We’re stronger than we think. X

    Reply
  2. Considerer
    Considerer says:

    So sorry you’re struggling with this monster. You did a really good thing by writing it though – it may well be just what someone needed to read to know that they aren’t alone in THEIR battles.

    Keep fighting, because you’re right – your children need you, and couldn’t find nor want anyone better 🙂

    Reply
  3. Betsy
    Betsy says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your battle. This is what I needed today. While my depression is managed by pharmaceutical help, my husband is struggling. Thank you for sharing.

    Reply
  4. Jen
    Jen says:

    Wow, just found your site and wow! I have read a lot on depression and written a lot myself. But you have a way of capturing the essence of the monster, the complete and utter shame that the illness brings with it. Your words to yourself, the Me, Myself and I letter are so encouraging and what I try to remember to say when I’m wearing the shit colored glasses. But now I will print that out and read it when I’m in the dark hole. And your letter to the husband? I have tried to express this myself to my husband, to my loved ones, through my own posts, in particularly, in How to Help Someone with Depression. But again, you have a gift for saying what so many of us can’t articulate. And you say it perfectly, honestly and with love. So for all of that, thank you.
    Jen Wilson

    Reply
  5. Wendy
    Wendy says:

    I have had a blessed life in the sense of husband children grandchildren affordability …
    Just in the stage of life when it should be for myself and husband, I have quietly been grieving the ‘loss’ if someone who hasn’t died , if that makes sense?! My husband has travelled mostly alone for eight years in the pursuit of ‘alternative’ cures for his ‘health’. The past five years I have known he has not been honourable, faithful or honest – yet I love him and after forty years of marriage I just crave peace. Thus, I deal with it, with mostly medication , but I know in my heart he would love me to ‘say the words ‘ to give him ‘freedom’!! No one is free if they don’t have control over their actions. Just wish me strength to rise above grief . Don’t tell me to get rid of him – I want to save him from foolishness. The vows I made were for life, and that is what I cling to .
    I can’t explain my constant sadness- I am an over thinker / I just want back, what has been taken from me.
    His travels are to Vietnam!! Ring any bells?!!
    Thanks for the chance to speak truthfully .

    Reply
  6. Sunflower
    Sunflower says:

    I’ve never read anything that describes so perfectly how I feel when I am battling depression, which I do often. As I read this, I thought, I wish I could be making crafts with her and her kiddos and my kiddo, and we could keep each other from feeling the black cloud while we are being the best mamas ever without even knowing it. Thank you so much for your writings. I wish I could stay home all day and read your blog, but I definitely will be reading more soon.

    Reply
  7. Bennie
    Bennie says:

    Please know that the world will never, ever be better off without you. My brother killed himself and having to live with the aftermath is truly, truly horrendous. I also suffer from depression, so I know how dark some days are…but I promise you, the world is not better off without you. Leaving hour children with the legacy of suicide is the absolute worst thing a parent could ever do.
    Thank you for writing about such a tough subject; it is greatly appreciated.
    xo

    Reply
  8. Maria
    Maria says:

    Thank you for sharing all this and with such honesty. So many of the things you say I have felt and thought about myself. At my darkest moments I believed that my family would have been better off without me, that I was not good enough for them so many times I just wanted to disappear. Worst of all, I dreaded the thought of my children suffering this horrible disease. You’re absolutely right – we have to keep fighting no matter how hard it is and how exhausted we feel by it all. I have been suffering this horrible disease all my life, I have been working with a professional for many years he helped me through many of my dark days. The light of life does get brighter and the darkness will become duller it just doesn’t leave forever, I pray that one day it will leave forever. We’re stronger than we think. God bless thank you. xxxx

    Reply
  9. Natalie
    Natalie says:

    This post made me cry for 2 reasons. The first because you were so open and honest and the second because I can relate to everything that you have said. It’s so nice to have a fellow blogger be so open about depression and how you are feeling. I really hope that the dark cloud disappears soon enough for you.

    Reply

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