I have not really written in quite a while. I was in two minds whether to write this post or wait until I felt better, but I’m going to write it anyway. I think, as my readers, you appreciate the honesty whether it makes you laugh or makes you cry, and I cannot be anything other than myself, despite often wishing I was anyone but me. I am hoping that sharing my story will help me in some way, writing is therapeutic to me. I am able to type things that I cannot easily verbalise.
I know a lot of you, or someone you love, live in the silent nightmare of depression and anxiety, so I owe it to you to be a voice in the darkness, to let you know that you are definitely not alone, and definitely not crazy.
I go through cycles of depression. Sometimes I have weeks where I feel strong enough to walk through the day without letting the black cloud grip me. I feel loved, I have patience, I feel ok, then wham bam it gets me. Right in the heart. Sometimes totally out of the blue.
Other times I feel the big black cloud creeping upon me, those days I dread waking the next morning because I know a day of torture awaits me.
The last few weeks have felt particularly rough for me, for so many reasons, but mainly reasons unknown to me. I feel absolutely nothing, but feel everything all at once. I need someone with me all of the time, but I want to be alone. I feel like I can’t breath. I don’t want to stay home, but the thought of going out grips my throat. I feel worthless. I know without a doubt my husband and my family love me, but I feel unlovable. I often feel like they shouldn’t love me. They deserve so much more than me.
I have fought this monster for 21 years, I’m weary, and the cracks are showing. I want to be strong, and who my family need me to be. I paint on a façade, a face, but I’m also painfully aware that it’s a transparent exterior to my family. I am not pretending too well anymore. I want to be the fun momma who does crafts, and makes fun memories, and whilst I still do that I am scared my yelling will erase the happiness.
I feel more snappy, less patient. The additional needs of my children overwhelm me, and scare me. It’s a new world to me, and it is so hard. I try my best but I am terrified of not being a good enough parent to them. I am scared they will feel how I have been left feeling. I just want them to feel loved. I desperately want to be good enough for them but this big back cloud robs me of that.
Do you know how tiring it is to constantly tell yourself that the world would be better without you? Depression tortures your brain and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You cannot snap out of it. I feel ashamed of it, but I refuse to keep it secret. I need to know others feel the same too. Loneliness is a killer.
I know it sounds almost crazy to talk about not wanting to be here, but that is the reality of depression. This is how it makes you feel. It makes your heart weary. I want to be honest. I need to be honest.
When you find yourself in this big black cloud tell someone, anyone. Do not let depression silence you. Do not let anxieties keep you quiet. There is freedom in talking, texting, messaging. Fight every urge you have to end things. Do not give up. Depression is a liar, a big fat stinking liar, but a very convincing one.
Depression doesn’t make you a bad parent, despite it telling you otherwise, it’s an illness. An invisible illness. That’s what makes it so difficult to admit to, but there is no shame in speaking about it, which is why I am sharing my journey with you.
Some days I feel way below par on this motherhood journey. It’s way too hard. I long for things to be different. I don’t want to waste my precious days with my kids feeling like this, but I have to plod on through those days. I worry if people knew the true extent of this monster that they would think I am not up to the task of being a momma. I think I need to work on my self esteem.
Please know that you are not crazy, and you are not alone, I am right here in this fight with you, and despite every feeling I have I vow to stick around to win this fight. I owe it to my babies. I owe it to myself, one day I will believe this too.
You owe it to yourself too, be honest, be you. Keep fighting.