Sometimes I feel broken beyond repair. Worthless, useless and a huge disappointment to everyone, myself included. One tiny thing can trigger years of repressed emotions and thoughts, one trigger can consume my every waking thought.
I do so well playing the “normal” role and my dysfunction is invisible. Not today. Today I feel overwhelmed. Yesterday too, and the day before that. It started small, but now I can physically feel it too. My heart feels on edge, like I missed a step on the stairs, the invisible feeling that feels strong enough to consume me. I try so hard, often unconsciously, to live a life full to the brim of overcoming anything I’ve ever faced, but sometimes it’s back to square one. Although I have to remind myself that’s not true. Square one used to be like this daily and involve unhealthy coping strategies, these days are further away from me now, of that I’m glad.
I have put a lot of demons to rest, but you can’t erase memories and the feelings they conjure, or maybe you can and I just do not know how. I hate myself for ever letting memories haunt me, or feelings. I disappoint and frustrate myself that these feelings can come rushing back in an instance. It drives me mad, literally. I feel broken, there is no other explanation than that. Some cracks remain, forever will they be weak spots. How can people damage you so much that it lasts a lifetime? How do you fix it? Do you just feel the feels each time or do you suffocate it until it passes again?
I read something yesterday about the kind of reactions you have and how they are trigger responses from trauma. I’m an all or nothing type person, but apparently this isn’t healthy. I adopted this once I had kids to protect them and myself. No second chances for people. I thought it was a good strategy to live by, but apparently it isn’t? I should be able to live in the discomfort of the in-between apparently, no thanks! I need to know where I stand with people. Maybe it is a response to a life of uncertainty but I need to hold onto it right now, it preserves future heartache and more damage.
One thing I do know though is, I’ll be damned if my kids ever have to endure this kind of torture. I’ll do everything within my power to ensure it. They deserve a life of happiness, stability and freedom, freedom to be themselves, unreservedly. So from all my brokenness that is one thing I have learnt – to make people feel valued, worthwhile and to know they are needed on this earth.
I’m tired of questioning my worth and the why’s, there are no feasible positive explanations for any of it. I’m not into being a victim, don’t misunderstand that but I am into being open and honest in my writing though, and I feel broken, currently. Like damaged goods. Like my memories will eat away at me quietly until something triggers it and the darkness consumes me for a while. I’ll wait it out like always. But I’m tired. I’m tired of everything rearing it’s ugly head. I can’t be bothered to feel the feels this time, I don’t want to feel like I’m suffocating in the dark.
The brain is a funny old thing isn’t it? I’ve been safe for a very long time now, just not from myself and my thoughts. I’d love to feel free, and in some senses I do, but memories are a chain I have no key for, they’re mine, and they are here to stay.
Fuck you triggers.