To the Husband with a Depressed Wife

To The Husband With A Depressed Wife

Depression is a killer. Depression tortures countless victims by the second on a daily basis. It sucks the joy out of everything good, and it feeds on misery and self-loathing. It is a silent killer.  A disease that likes to stay undetected.

During your lifetime you will either suffer from depression or encounter somebody who is depressed, but believe me when I tell you this I hope you are never the one who falls victim to it. I would not wish depression upon my worst enemy.

I have previously written a few posts about my own experiences with depression, and although I would rather keep my struggle private I simply cannot justify doing so. It takes everything within me to get personal, but I have a duty to share my journey. I want to shed a bit of light (on this awful monster) to the family and friends that also suffer seeing a loved one plagued with depression.

My husband is my biggest cheerleader, and he has stood by my side during the dark times and has certainly celebrated with me on the mountain tops too. I have opened up to him in ways I could never share with anybody else, and for that I am truly thankful. I know there has been countless time though when he has not had a clue what was going on, times he desperately wanted to help but couldn’t, times when he probably felt rejected, times when he thought I possibly didn’t care, and times when I took my frustration out on him. Yet he is still here. I feel I owe it to him, and to all of the partners and family members like him out there, to explain the reality of depression.

Don’t get me wrong, I am scared as hell writing this post, my life made public, but I cannot keep my story secret. I want it to help other people. I need it to help other people. Even just one person. Life matters. Life is worth living, even on days when you wish to breathe your last. There is hope, there is always, always hope. I hope this post helps you, whoever you are.

I am not even sure how to set out this post; bullet points? A letter? A list?

I am going to choose a letter, a letter to my own husband, a letter you can share with your own partners, sisters, mothers, children, colleagues. An insight into the chaotic and irrational thought processes that accompany depression.

Here goes.

Dear Husband,

I love you dearly, more than anything in this whole world, I think you already know this. I know you love me too, I just forget sometimes. Depression clouds my mind, it fills me with horrid thoughts about how unlovable I am, and how worthless I am. Sometimes I believe you, sometimes I believe depression. 

I know you prefer the good days when I am happy and not anxious or snappy, and I wish I could have these days everyday, but I can’t. I feel the cloud approaching, and it petrifies me. Sometimes I tell you, and sometimes I don’t. Please if you notice the cloud before I tell you just hug me tight and tell me we will fight the cloud together. Please don’t ask me if I am OK, my automatic answer will be yes when in reality it is a big NO. Depression makes you feel ashamed you see.

I know sometimes I overreact to the smallest thing and get angry, but please be patient with me. Forgetting the bread will not be the real reason, feeling like I am losing control over my mind will be the reason. Depression is very clever you see – it builds up a wall of anger piece by piece, and you never notice it until it’s so big it begins to topple over. I am sorry you get the brunt of my anger on cloudy days. Please forgive me. Please. Just tell me you love me and leave me to calm down.

I know it is hard to help somebody through depression if you have  never experienced it yourself. I understand. I totally get it. Just love me through it, listen to me, ask about the cloudy days. I can’t just bring it up in conversation. Depression clouds your mind. I need you to break the silence. 

There will be lots of times when I feel like you would be better off without me, that my children deserve a better momma. Sometimes I will tell you. Most of the time I will not. Sometimes I can go for months without those thoughts crossing my mind, and other times I think about them every second of every day for weeks. That is the scary truth. It’s the first thought that runs through my head a lot. Depression is vile, a vile nasty monster. Please always keep an eye on me, but also know that no matter how many times you tell me I am worth it I probably won’t believe it on cloudy days – but please never stop telling me. Ever.

I love our children more than anything, but sometimes I feel like a failure. I feel like a rubbish momma. My mind nags me and tells me other mommas do things better, and love better than me. I feel like I always fall short. Please tell me I love them enough. I find it so hard being a momma on cloudy days, but I try so hard to not let them notice the clouds. I hope you know I try.

I haven’t self harmed since February 2010, but the urge often consumes me. When the black cloud is here it consumes my mind. I fight it so hard, I fight for myself, my children, and for you. I know it’s hard to understand why I crave it, I can’t explain it myself if I am totally honest. It’s like an old addiction that comes to hurt me when it smells the dark cloud. One day I hope it won’t ever cross my mind again.

I know I am a nightmare not letting you cuddle me when I am upset, or feeling bombarded by the darkness, but cuddle me anyway, I need it. I pretend to be strong, but you know I am not. Cuddle me again.

I know I don’t talk about these black clouds often, but I want to. I hate the silence it forces me to keep. There is a certain freedom when it comes to talking openly about the monster. Help me find that freedom.

I know sometimes I tell you I don’t want to leave the house. I know you can’t understand but thank you for being understanding. The black cloud blinds my view. It makes simple tasks scary. It invites its friend Mr Anxiety over, and makes my everyday life a worrying place. It makes my heart pound and throat dry. It makes me feel crazy. It’s like the front door has this invisible forcefield around it. Please know I try. I really do try.

Depression makes me feel tired, exhausted tired. Sometimes the fatigue is so bad I just want to cry. Every bone hurts. This sounds crazy I know, but that’s the reality of it. On tired days please know it’s the monster, not just me feeling tired. 

Often I cry, mainly in private. I don’t like letting people see me in a vulnerable state. If I look like I’ve cried just hug me and tell me things will be OK. Don’t ask me the reason, depression is the reason.

Sometimes the clouds take away everything good. Sometimes I don’t want to wash my hair. Bizarre I know, but I know my fellow sufferers will understand the lack of motivation that often consumes us. Tell me to wash my hair!

Sometimes I lay awake at night and worry about things that won’t even happen, squeeze my hand tight if you’re awake too. 

Sometimes it takes every bit of motivation to even get up in the morning, but I never let you in on this. A new day often scares me. I wonder will I cope? Will the sky be blue or black? Is the weather nice? The weather really effects my feelings and I do not know why! Every single morning is hard, but seeing you makes it easier.

I want to publicly thank you for loving me and supporting me. You are the best. 

Yours forever x

There! I wrote it. I hope this helps someone out there, it’s helped me. There is freedom in the truth.

Keep fighting!


157 replies
  1. Tara
    Tara says:

    You describe the monster well. I’m happy you shared, I’ll be sending this to my significant other. I hope he turns out as supportive as your hubby. Xo!

      • Sarah
        Sarah says:

        Thanks so much for being so brave and writing everything I have inside but don’t have the energy to pick up a pen and write! I will send it to my husband too x

      • Erika
        Erika says:

        I can relate on so many levels. I’ve been hospitalized twice w/in the Year. I wish i could send this to my husband. Currently i don’t know how much longer he’ll be my husband. This mental ugliness has torn my family apart. Im glad more people are open with it. I used to be ashamed of it.

        • Kandice
          Kandice says:

          Literally sobbed my way through reading this. Perfectly explains how depression feels. Thank you for sharing. I’ve shared it with my boyfriend and i hope it helps him understand depression better.

      • Laura Hastings
        Laura Hastings says:

        It is now may 2020 and I am now just reading this. Thank u so much for ur open ness and honesty. I to suffer to great extent and am at the point where my husband of 9 years is at his breaking point I sit and bawl my eyes out wondering is today the day he leaves? I don’t yet have my monster under control but I try my best most days I just want to give up. But your words pierced through me and I just want to say thank you.

      • Nathalie Morel
        Nathalie Morel says:

        Thank you . Thank
        And thank you.
        I cannot explain how much I needed this right know.
        Hopefully I still
        Having a chance with my husband

      • Rob
        Rob says:

        Hi Becci

        I’m the husband of a wife who suffers badly from depression and we’ve been on the rollacoaster for a number of years now. She has no one else other than me to help her. She’s under a program with a councillor and has to take medication every day but as you well know and fantastically put it in the letter to the your husband, we the other half need to step back sometimes and try to understand what our other half is going through. I did show what you have written so thank you for your time to open up about this. Very much obliged! The sometimes forgetful other half

      • Jessica
        Jessica says:

        Thank you for writing this. My spouse does not understand depression. He calls me lazy and put me down everytime I get depressed. Today was another day of his unsupportive support. I’m currently sitting in our bedroom alone because I’m sp sick of him putting me down. I don’t know how to make him understand. I tell him to read about it but he won’t. I know what I have to do so my children will never treat someone with depression like he does. I hope this article helps him better understand. Thank you again for writing this.

    • Julie
      Julie says:

      Becca, Thanks a million for this post. I’ve suffered with byplor depression and anxiety since I was a young teen. I never knew how to explain how I felt. Reading your post took a while between the tears. I am married and have two beautiful daughters and two amazing son-n-laws. I’m going to give this post to all of them. Again thank you and God Bless you always.

  2. Dawn from HardlyBored
    Dawn from HardlyBored says:

    You are an awesome mom, and a fantastic person. I know your fight, I am blessed to have people who love me even when I am fallin apart, when depression is winning. I am so glad I do, I can see you feel the same way!

      • Tito Nacianceno
        Tito Nacianceno says:

        Becci this is a lot of help my wife deals with depression, and I also was to just do to loosing people in my family, I think my depression is under control a bit I just find things to do and workout a lot to occupy my mind, my wife lost her mother almost two years ago and I think it’s a big part of her depression and I just want to know or help of what I can do to help and what I should not do! I love my wife and just want to be helpful

  3. Jenessa Mullen
    Jenessa Mullen says:

    Thank you for writing this. You have put in to words what I can’t. Hopefully my husband can understand your words because I don’t know how to explain how I feel everyday. Thank you for sharing this and know you are not alone. xoxo

  4. Kimberly
    Kimberly says:

    Thank you for writing this.
    It is raw and honest and real and I love it.
    You’re going to help so many people by doing so. You put into words what so many can’t and are afraid to. So thank you. It’s brilliant. Perfect.

  5. Christina Reno-Johnson
    Christina Reno-Johnson says:

    I have battled clinical depression for 13 years now. For years actually before my husband begged me to not give into the darkness and give him the pills I had in my hand. Only because of his love am I still here. You are definitely not alone in this Hell. Thank you for sharing this!

  6. Sadie
    Sadie says:

    Thank you for sharing, it is good to see such raw honesty about depression, I could have written these words myself to my husband – although not as eloquently 🙂 They try so hard to understand but I know my husband feels we have the same rows again and again but it is just those same insecure feeling popping up. Will share this with my husband in hopes he will get a bit more insight as it is so hard being depressed and hard loving someone with depression. Big hugs x x x

  7. Marette
    Marette says:

    Wow. My husband and I were talking about my monster not 2 days ago. You have said so well what I struggled to share with my husband. I shared this. Thank you. Not just for writing this and having the courage to share it. But for caring enough about people you don’t even know to share this in hopes of helping them.

  8. Erin
    Erin says:

    Thankyou for sharing this, I have battled depression for so long, yet still felt that it was only me who felt this exact way, I have a sense of relief in knowing I’m not alone.

  9. Donna Miglino
    Donna Miglino says:

    With one blog post, by telling your truth, you have now told every person who silently suffers with depression that they are not alone. That’s a beautiful gift.

  10. ana
    ana says:

    When I read this post I was overcome with emotion , the struggle to accept yourself the inability to look beyond the dark clouds , the nagging sensation that you are worthless and will never amount to nothing is all there . For me up until recently I never knew that I was depressed , I always considered myself to be happy-go lucky and even when I would cry or feel suffocated I would put it down to stress or over-exertion . I know now how wrong I am , since I was diagnosed with several illnesses I have been journeying through a series of highs and lows ; some days are better then others. I had worse events in the past , as a child I was abused and was surprised that I did not suffer from depression as a result . Now though I am stuck in purgatory , where the demons of my past make me have a lack of confidence , when I look in the mirror and I do not like what I see or even cursing myself when others torment my flaws , wishing that I could adhere to conventional beauty standards . Your letter was poignant and a brave step against adversity. I am not ashamed to say that I suffer from depression and neither are you, a true act of courage against the demons that attack you.

  11. Adventures of a Novice Mum
    Adventures of a Novice Mum says:

    Yeah, depression is one ugly and horrible beast; sucking out the life and joy out of living. So lovely that you have a very supportive husband. I can definitely relate with the request to be held even when one indicates otherwise. I’m sure your post will help many people. Well done for writing from the heart, and sharing beyond your natural inclination. #UKBloggers

  12. Michelle
    Michelle says:

    As you know I’ve stalked you relentlessly today! This is such a fantastic post, and puts into words what so many of us can’t. I don’t call it my cloud (although I did in a recent blog post) I call it my black dog. Winston Churchill called it the same thing, it sort of lollops in, sits down for awhile, plays about with your life and then lollops out of the room. I’ve been battling depression and anxiety for many years, it’s cost to me has been far reaching. Thank you for this post, it’s beyond brilliant! x

  13. Lily f
    Lily f says:

    Thank you so much for the post. It had help me seek help and to try to do better for my self husband and family. I know my state of mind is hurting our family. I never knew anyone can feel this way.. thank you again..

  14. Pete
    Pete says:

    Well done for posting this. I am the husband to someone with this horrible illness, I found your words inspiring and hopeful I can make a difference, even when it looks like I am failing my other half….

    Thank you for providing hope to the ‘other person’ in the world of depression.

  15. Heather McGarrigle
    Heather McGarrigle says:

    This is a brilliant and very brave post and thank you for writing it. My clouds are getting thinner and ever less frequent as the years go on, to the extent where I feel one day they may never come back. And I too am lucky to have a strong loving man who is my lighthouse whenever they threaten. I wish you all the love and strength in the world; keep talking and keep writing, you have probably helped so many people already. I don’t know if you’re aware but the Daily Mirror have actually picked up on your post, that’s how I found it, so your message is now reaching so many more people who may really need it. I hope that makes you feel good 🙂 Xx

  16. 'M'
    'M' says:

    As a husband of someone who suffers from anxiety and depression I want to thank you for writing this. I know how hard it is to put such thoughts into writing, and how rewarding it is too. Both my wife and I feel a little less alone today because of your bravery – thank you.

  17. Naomi Cox
    Naomi Cox says:

    Thank you so much for this. I cried (in recognition) reading it. You put it so perfectly. Today is a cloudy day. It has been so hard. But one foot in front of the other, I carry on. The guilt is almost overwhelming at times, after all I have so much to be happy about, to be grateful for, but depression is a bitch, it doesn’t care. So thank you again, because I’ve been able to share this and to say my own thank you to my supporters, via your words.

  18. Laura
    Laura says:

    I just came across this letter on ‘The Mirror’ website. I’m currently a mum of two struggling with depression and my husband has also been my rock. Thank you for sharing your letter. I will be showing my husband this, you have put into words exactly the kind of gratitude I feel to him but am not always capable of saying. Thankyou you xx

  19. Mrs Shorties Mind
    Mrs Shorties Mind says:

    Thank you for writing this, it has put into words how I feel so often, and I’m going to share it with my husband, as I think he will find it a helpful insight into this horrible illness.

  20. Hilary Bravington
    Hilary Bravington says:

    Just wanted to wish you far more good days than bad – I have bad anxiety and very rarely leave the house – I know how you feel and I wish you well <3

  21. Nadine
    Nadine says:

    Your not alone lovely, I get it all apart from the self harming, although attempted suicide a few times. I’m lucky like you as I have an amazing husband and family who have supported me through my darkest Times. Right now is good but the bad time catch me unexpectedly! Sending hugs, love and understanding. Always try and talk about it, it’s the best therapy

  22. Danielle
    Danielle says:

    Thank you so so much for sharing this post. I am 22years of age and have been suffering from depression since my early teens. All of a sudden it went away life was great I met my boyfriend we had a baby and then like a tonn of bricks it hit me again and this time hit me hard! my best friend took his life in July and 3 weeks later I had my little boy. He was very sick when he was born and I felt “the cloud” coming. I kept it inside and told nobody and tried to fight it on my own! It got so bad I considered ending my life. If it wasn’t for my partner and my son I don’t think I’d be here. I’m definitely going to show him this letter because you have the words I cannot speak for some strange reason. How he stuck around I will never ever know. Thank you again, it really does help knowing that people don’t have to bottle it up anymore and fight it alone <3 <3

  23. Stacey
    Stacey says:

    Thank you so much for this. I am in that black place right now. I feel unloved, unworthy and just miserable right now. I know that I will come out of it but still…

  24. Laura
    Laura says:

    Thank you so much for writing this. You captured how I feel daily because of this evil monster. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in my feelings. I’ll be passing this on to my other half. Thank you so much for helping me x x x

  25. cheryl
    cheryl says:

    I’m so touched with your post! You’re such a brave smart woman… For sure your husband and kiddies are so proud of you as you’re their treasure.

  26. Donna
    Donna says:

    You have summed up in such a beautiful way, thoughts and feelings I have for years, but never found a way to share as you have. It helps to know that it’s the monster and not just me. Xx

  27. E. J.
    E. J. says:

    Thank you for writing this. I am the wife of someone who struggles with depression. When he is “up,” he is the greatest. When he is down, I sometimes wonder if he even really cares about me or the kids anymore. So much of this really gave me some perspective. I didn’t realize that perhaps his sometimes being testy or irritable was only the depression manifesting as anger. Or why he sometimes can’t seem to muster the energy or motivation to go out, even to the store. Or he’ll make me go into places and order the food/buy the milk/talk to people in general. It makes me feel that perhaps we are… not “normal,” but also, yes, normal. Or at least less alone. Thank you for showing me how I can perhaps be a better partner.

    • Becci Nicholls
      Becci Nicholls says:

      Thank you for your comment. I think it is definitely the depression talking. Glad my post has helped a little xxxx

  28. Carina
    Carina says:

    Hello Becci!

    I’m from Germany and I came across your letter translated into German on a website.


    I had a hard time to surpress my tears while reading it. I know exactly how it feels. My better half has a hard time to undestand how I feel.. but he’s always there in spite of my (abruptly) changing moods. I’m just as thankful to him as you are to your husband.


    You’re important to your family and friends, just as they are to you. Never forget that!

    I will treasure your words forever. ♥ Thank you for sharing.

    Lots of Love for you and your family. My respects to your husband.

  29. Spring Mum
    Spring Mum says:

    Wow. You describe how I’ve been feeling recently perfectly and also how I’d like to explain it too. Will def share with my husband too. Thank you for putting the struggle into words so beautifully. X

  30. Carla
    Carla says:

    You are not alone in your struggle with this monster called depression. I have been struggling with it for years. Your blog really tells it like it is and I appreciate that, because I hope that your letter to your husband will help my husband understand me better. From one person going through depression to another, I hope you feel better. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  31. Amanda
    Amanda says:

    Thanks for sharing this….

    i like many others will be sharing this with my partner. I suffer depression from grief at the loss of my only child…. i feel like this so much and i know he tries to understand but he really doesnt…
    Functioning on a daily basis is difficult, even on good days its so hard, like im doing everything in water or with weights strapped to my soul.
    thank you again for sharing something so personal that helps so many others.

    • Becci Nicholls
      Becci Nicholls says:

      Thank you for sharing that with me. I am so sorry for the heartache you have, please always keep fighting xxxx

  32. Paul
    Paul says:

    Thanks for sharing this, my wife suffers from this too and we have recently separated because i didnt understand and she doesn’t trust me. I now understand more and wish she could talk to me about this, i know its an illness and hopefully there might be a way back for us in time to come i just wish i knew more about it and she opened up to me.

    • Becci Nicholls
      Becci Nicholls says:

      Hi Paul, send her this post, maybe print it out? Tell her you understand a little more now and meet up. There’s always hope x

      • Michael
        Michael says:

        Hi Becci – I just had one of those evenings that you dont wanna have with your partner and I went out of the room as my wife began to blame me for her sadness and dark feelings about everything. Not knowing where her anger is coming from nothing seems to make sense for her and that was a situation where I needed to leave her alone – alone in the dark..alone with her own darkness.

        Updstairs in my room all of a sudden I found your letter as I was trying to understand what happened – what should I say…I red your letter and thought my wife wrote it for me right after I left the livingroom downstairs…

        After reading I immediately stood up…went downstairs and took her in my arms…kissing and hugging her so much…I dont have the right words for this but this changed the whole situation..having her in my arms..not letting her d(r)own.

        Your openess and trust in those who read your letter is so great – I really want to thank you for that and I will do what you said – trying to print this out just to show my wife how much I care and do love her.


        My warmest regards
        Michael from germany

  33. lisa
    lisa says:

    Beautifully written! I too struggle with depression but have a husband who is not my rock but rather holds it against me. He comes from a family with no mental illness thus he is less than understanding. thank you for your truth! god bless!

  34. ashley g
    ashley g says:

    I hope you know how many people you have helped in being so open and vulnerable with this post. Putting feelings into words can be such a struggle and I think you’ve done it justice quite well – I know it is often my biggest struggle to communicate to my husband what I am feeling. Thinking of you as you fight the cloud and thanking you for sharing such an important and private piece of your life.

  35. Jaime
    Jaime says:

    Thank you for writing this. It’s often very hard to tell someone how you feel when you are in the thick of it. For weeks on end. And then explain it after you come out of it.

  36. Carrie Tripp
    Carrie Tripp says:

    Washing my hair. Make me wash my hair.

    There are others who need someone to tell them that? I seriously had no idea that might be part of the disease.

    And to the wife who just listed the sending her to go places or to order food or into the store, wow. I will ride to those places often. I will even convince older teenagers they want something if I need something so they will go. Just so I don’t have to go in. It’s not about leaving my house. I’ll ride in the car. I’ll even drive. I just won’t dress appropriately to go in. Some days I just can’t.

  37. Angie D
    Angie D says:

    Been there, done that, checked myself into a “Behavorial” hospital with hubby at my side. My love to you as a “sister” suffering from this disease, thanks for posting and prayers for sunny skies.

  38. immy marshall
    immy marshall says:

    Thank you for this blog, I’ve never been able to describe how it feels to anyone, & this is perfect.
    I’ve sent it to my other half and I am hoping he reads it and takes this on board.

    Thank you so much

  39. Steve S.
    Steve S. says:

    I don’t have the words to express how grateful I am for what you wrote. I have always been one of those ppl who thought depression was a bunch of hooey…that you pull up your big boy/girl pants and go on…I’m admitting how wrong I’ve been. Karen has been struggling with what you’ve described and I’ve been struggling with how to understand and to cope. I love her with all my heart, but I feel inadequate to help her. She sent me the link to your letter, and so much of how you describe yourself sounded like her, and resonated with me that I cried. I see from what you say to your husband that I don’t need to understand, I just need to accept it, support her and love her without reservation. I want to be as good for her as your husband is for you. Your words give me hope, and I can’t thank you enough for that.

  40. Julie
    Julie says:

    You used the exact words I have been trying to say for 6 years to my husband who comes across very unfeeling toward me in the darkness!
    I sent this to him today and he thanked me and said it gave him more insight into the struggle!
    Thank you! Acceptance is so vital-love is essential -especially in the darkness!
    A Grateful Sufferer

  41. Michelle Pitsiokos
    Michelle Pitsiokos says:

    Wow! I could have written this word for word. Thank you. Its nice to know there are others that understand what I go thru. I call mine the “monster” or the smothering wet blanket I can’t get out from under. Lots of love to you and your family.

  42. Shenna
    Shenna says:

    I read this blog after a really bad day. I literally felt like I was losing my mind. My loving husband recognized that I needed just one moment of peace to find my footing. I love and also hate that fact. I love him for knowing when I need it, but I hate thinking that my depression and anxiety have conditioned him to recognize my point of madness. Sometimes I wonder about what toll it takes on him and how it must feel to live with someone who sometimes feels inches from the edge.

    Thank you for putting these raw emotions out there. It helped me realize that I am not alone and neither is my husband.

  43. Mark
    Mark says:

    Thank you for sharing this post. My wife is currently going through a bad stage of her depression and recently asked for some space from ‘us’ to figure things out in her head (find out whats making her feel overwhelmed, unhappy and feel herself again). I feel that deep down its the depression talking, as prior to this things were good. Having a sense of perspective from someone that as gone/going through this has somewhat comforted me, thank you for your kind words

  44. Rita
    Rita says:

    Thank you for your gut-renching honesty about depression. I think the first time I really experienced true depression was right after the birth of my son. I felt like if I didn’t geo out of my house, I was going to jump off a cliff. I didn’t recognize this as the beginning of depression. It reared its ugly head when I was remarried, my son was a young teenager, and I felt my world was crashing all in on me. My doctor asked me if I wanted to kill myself, Ned I told him no, but I might ant to kill someone else. Thankfully, he heard more that the words said jokingly. I asked him I was crazy, and explained that wasn’t crazy, but I sure was depressed. I am a person that has a great, funny, friendly personality, so people think i am a super happy go lucky woman. I’ve lived with constant depression and anxiety for over 20 years. I am such a good faker, most people do not see the aching pain that threatens my decisions, the anger that accompanies my failures or setbacks. Sometimes my husband wants to believe everything is hunky dory, so what do I have to be said about. I try to explain to him that depression has nothing to do with you. It is real, he will never understand the feeling that consume my heart. He loves me, he has stood by my side, and we’ll be together forever. He doesn’t understand, and he really doesn’t know what to do or say to make it better, but he tries in his own way to understand.

  45. chris
    chris says:

    I am wondering how many marriages might be saved through your insightful explanation of the suffering people are going through

  46. Kim
    Kim says:

    Thank you for putting your feelings on paper. For me, this was very powerful. I cried as I read how you felt because I am feeling that cloud now. Our circumstances are a bit different, my children are grown and I have an almost 3 year old granddaughter. I do not even want my dogs to know I am depressed, but I’m getting to the point that I just can’t hide it anymore. It has worn me down. Just know you are an inspiration to me. Thank you.

  47. Jess Melancholia
    Jess Melancholia says:

    Oh my God. As soon as my husband wakes up I’m going to have him read this. Your words are powerful and so true. I’m going through a really bad bipolar depression coupled with extreme agitated rapid cycling. I hope more people share this because it’s so hard to verbalize it in the moment. Thank you Becci

  48. Amber
    Amber says:

    A friend of mine posted this on facebook. I read it 3 times (bawling my eyes out) before I sent it to my husband. It feels like you pulled all the emotions and feelings out of my head and explained them in a way I never would have been able to. I wish nobody else had to feel the way we feel, but honestly its nice knowing I’m not alone in this struggle. Thank you!

  49. Jordyn
    Jordyn says:

    Thank you for sharing this. Today is a cloudy day, and I needed this. By the end, I was bawling because every word hit home. Sending a big hug of thanks.

  50. Simon Larano
    Simon Larano says:

    I have been inspired by this post. Understandably, I do not have the length of experience of a relationship such as yours, but I feel the same, and some of us just feel too much. I hope it’s ok.

  51. Emily
    Emily says:

    Thank you! Thank you so much for writing what has been stuck in my head for such a long time- sharing this is going to make the understanding of this horrible creature living within me a lot easier to explain. Xxx

  52. Isabelle
    Isabelle says:

    Becci, I am so grateful you shared this with us. Thank you for seeing through the clouds enough to reach out to me and others. And ditto to what everyone above said. It definitely struck a chord with me, and I’ll be sharing it with my husband too.

    Here’s a favorite quote of mine from Camus:
    “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”

  53. Andreia
    Andreia says:

    I cried my eyes out reading this, this letter describes the struggle with depression so well. Everything I read was exactly how I feel on my bad days. Thank you for writing this and giving people a glimps of how it feels. I even shared your post with my significant other, with out this post I wouldn’t know how to describe to him what I feel. Thank you for that. Keep strong and keep on fighting !

  54. Husband to a depressed wife!
    Husband to a depressed wife! says:

    Becci…I dont suffer from depression per say however i do suffer with my wife who has depression. As her husband will stand by her side no matter what…….hasn’t stopped me from wanting to run though!!! Shes on medication but seems like these dark days are showing its ugly face more and more often and the good days are getting fewer and far between.

    What can i do to help her?

  55. Anne-Louise
    Anne-Louise says:

    Thanks for sharing! I feel your pain; depressions and anxiety are depressing. The thoughts just come over you and can be consuming. My poor hubby must find it tough, I look forward to coming home and then get at him the minute he walks through the door, I know I am doing it, but I can’t stop!
    Definitely going to share this with hubby,
    Thanks from

  56. Stacy
    Stacy says:

    I just read this for the 1st time. And as I was sending this to my husband, I explained that although I hadn’t written this myself, it was as if u got into my brain and wrote it for me. Thank u 100 times over! Thank u for being u!

  57. Rhiannon
    Rhiannon says:

    Thank you. Today my clouds were the blackest of black. I cried and said I wanted to die. I felt my husband and son would be better without me. I lost my mum to suicide. I know they aren’t better off without me. I know my black cloud tells lies. I cried reading this post, and sent it to my husband. Because I want him to know. I love him with every fibre of my being. My black clouds can never take that love, the love I have for him and my son, away from me. I fight my clouds every second of every day, and I hope one day I will be able to tell my story, so like you have helped me, I can help another.

  58. Tina
    Tina says:

    You are a complete inspiration. I am trying so hard to support my husband and at times I feel so alone. I desperately want to help him but he is unable to express his experience of depression which makes it a constant guessing game. At times I have felt I’m loosing the battle and find myself overwhelmed when I am trying to absorb his distress and suicidal thoughts. I cling to hope that one day we’ll beat this thing together. We have been sole mates for 35 years and I wont allow this illness to destroy us. Thank you again for helping me understand what he’s going through. Depression has such a profound affect on the partner but reading your blog has strengthened my resolve to keep strong so i can continue to support him and love him back to health. Take care lovely lady.

  59. Jacquelyn
    Jacquelyn says:

    I just sent this to my husband. What an eloquently written letter! Just now starting to deal with my major depression and this was most helpful. God bless you!

  60. Anonymous
    Anonymous says:

    For weeks I’ve been looking for exactly this.
    May I add the following:

    I truly hope you understand what I go through everyday, my mood can change in a split second and trust me I fight hard for it not to happen, it happens anyway.

    I know I’m unlovable most days, but please promise to love me even if you don’t want to. Please promise me that you won’t go looking for love elsewhere on the days I’m pushing you away. Promise me you wont have lustful talks and desires with other woman even on the days I am on my worst and very unattractive.

  61. Anna
    Anna says:

    I have tears in my eyes as i read this. This is me exactly, someone understands and its not im just crazy. Thank you so much for writing this post. Im going to let my partner read it too as you have explained so well what i cant. When the monster is here i cant talk. I have voices screaming in my head but i stay silent.
    Thank you and keep fighting it xx

  62. Melina
    Melina says:

    Thank you for writing this letter I live with this disease for 14 years (I am 24 years old) in some days I wonder how I can make the rest of my life but strong women like you show me that it is and It is possible to have all that many thanks for your strength and courage…xo

  63. Sonja
    Sonja says:

    Thanks for that. It exactly describes my situation. I will show it to my husband and grandmother. They are nice people but they keep telling me off near every day not knowing what I’m going through. My 5 year old son is great and always try’s to get me out of bed to play with him. But there are times I just can’t do it. That’s when I feel really bad for him. My husband constantly puts our current hopeless situation in even more negative ways when I try my best to stay positive and that gets me down even more. It results in really bad fights as I can’t always say in words how ridiculous he is and that even though we currently have financial difficulties I need to stay positive or I will eventually drown.

  64. Sean
    Sean says:

    What advice do you have for a husband who is looking in at all of this and his wife is not seeing it? I have my own struggles and manage to work through them, recognising them was always my first step to dealing with it but now my wife is displaying or possibly I’m just seeing, a lot of what you describe and I would like to help. How can I without being accused of suggesting she’s losing it?


  65. Melissa
    Melissa says:

    You are brave and I am so grateful to have found your letter. It has touched me on a personal level! Especially the front door!! I am glad you shared this. I needed it tonight! By accident I landed in this page, or by the grace of God. So I thank you again brave woman. Stay strong!!

  66. Shannon
    Shannon says:

    Holy Hell I needed this today! My husband suffers from depression and it’s starting to take its toll on me. I know it’s not his fault or mine, but I’m really struggling at the moment. I can’t explain how helpful it was to read this!

  67. Carol
    Carol says:

    Thank you so much for putting this in black and white. I’m not a good communicator so this is an essential letter that I just sent to my hubby. Thank you so much for sharing exactly what others like us feel but can’t express. Thank you for sharing those dark memories with purpose to help others. God Bless you!!!

  68. Jennifer
    Jennifer says:

    You saved me today. I couldn’t explain what’s been happening to me the past year but I hate who I’ve become. I have everything and still have tremendously strong waves of anger/sadness that I can feel coming on and cannot control. I’m a nurse-highly trained nurse in one of the highest acuity units in our country-yet I’m struggling to help myself. My husband is wonderful but pushes my buttons on my down days which leads to an even darker place. I’ve communicated to him what I need but he doesn’t take it seriously. I thought it was perimenopause. I, too, was abused for 20 years and had to save myself as no one would believe me. I’ve chalked it up to that resurfacing because I’m safe now and have never had help dealing with it. So-thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    NEVER GIVE UP says:

    This is completely me!! I’m so glad you wrote this. So many people just don’t understand. Thanks for sharing…

  70. Shawnaica johnson
    Shawnaica johnson says:

    Thank you for being brave enough to tell your story, because your story is my story and everyone else who suffers from depression. My cloud is over me now and for 3 days of crying and some thoughts of suicide thinking my husband and 11 yr old son and step kids would be better without me. I told him that before we were married. This is a beautiful article thank you!

  71. Just Me TFR ♡
    Just Me TFR ♡ says:

    I feel like this letter is written just for me. As I sit here reading it trying to find a way to explain to my husband why I am this way. The tears fill my eyes because this is me. He doesn’t understand he has never faught this fight ( thank god ) . But I know he loves me and he is an amazing father to our 3 kids so I hope sending him this letter will help him see. I tell him over aND over I am fine , but he knows I’m not and when I try to explain I make him feel bad ( never have I ever wanted him to feel bad I AM MY WORST ENEMY ) .
    I try so hard to hide the beast but here lately I can’t hide it and it’s everywhere ! I just wanna be free I wanna be happy I wanna be ME!
    Thank you so much for sharing a way for me to show him.

  72. Whit
    Whit says:

    I’m 27 and my husband and I have been married for 6 years and we have 2 children a 3 yr old and a 8 month old… we don’t get a long… really ever! I have been on depression medication for over 10 years but have recently changed to see if I would get any better! I never have the words to say to my husband or how to make him understand! I just copied this and send it to my husband so hopefully this will help… thank you!

  73. Yalou // We are the Earth
    Yalou // We are the Earth says:

    ‘I know I am a nightmare not letting you cuddle me when I am upset, or feeling bombarded by the darkness, but cuddle me anyway, I need it. I pretend to be strong, but you know I am not. Cuddle me again.’

    Beautifully written, thank you so much for sharing. I hope you’re feeling good today and tomorrow as well <3

  74. Ryan
    Ryan says:

    Thank you for this. I struggle to understand what my wife may go through. I can only guess how hard it would be for her to say something like this. I understand that this is not exactly what or how she feels. But from the outside of depression looking in, it feels familiar. Judging from the comments, it sounds like you resonate with many. Most of all I want to thank you again and wish you the best. It will be OK, for you and for my wife.

  75. Jasmine
    Jasmine says:

    Thank you so much for sharing, this is me, I’m 24 years old and have been fighting depression since 2008, and this gives me hope because people will finally understand what it feels like. Thank you so much!

  76. Grace
    Grace says:

    Your letter very clearly describes the living hell that depression is. My husband is very supportive but of course doesn’t know what to do or say. We just celebrated our 45th anniversary. The first 10 years were great.Then the black cloud enshrouded me. I had no idea what was wrong with me. Now I know that it runs through both sides of my family. I sm literally praying to God to break this generational curse with me. Thank you putting my thoughts into words. I will share this with my husband.

  77. Catherine
    Catherine says:

    Your letter describes my life to a t. My husband and I are experiencing great difficulties right now. I think our marriage will be over by the end of this year. This makes my depression even worse and his life more difficult. The sadder I get the worse I am to live with. We have a 16 year old son and my husband has told me that I am a bad example for him. And he is right. I am so sad I can’t move some days, I am overwhelmed by everything.
    My son sees that.

    I am ready for this to be over. I know I have alluded that to my husband. But I am afraid to come out and say it. He’ll put me away. And that would be worse than anything. I’m so scared of everything. So we fight, I blame him for things and he blames me. He doesn’t hug me and I can’t bring myself to ask for that.

    I love my husband so much and my son is the only light in my life. But they deserve so much better than me. And I think it’s just asking too much of my husband to be strong for me. He does not love me enough anymore and he wants to be happy. And I don’t want my son to just remember his mother being sad.

    You are so blessed to have a husband that understands your depression and is still able to stand by you. My husband is a good man, but the dark cloud is too hard for him to understand and he’s tired.

  78. Brenda
    Brenda says:

    Thanks for sharing! You are so brave. I could have been writing the exact words you shared. I didn’t know if I was depressed or losing my mind, I’ve never said that to anyone,I don’t want to die but sometimes that’s all i want. I’m just so tired & feel so unloved, my husband is so good to me but he rarely touches me, I hope your letter will help him understand I just need to be held. To feel worthwhile. ????

  79. Anne-Marie
    Anne-Marie says:

    Thankyou for putting such a beautiful and true description regarding depression in a marriage.I have been suffering depression ,anxiety and ptsd now for a long time due to sever issues in my childhood,and it never goes away as we all know.But even though I have been with married to my husband for a long time,he still doesn’t understand how truly hard depression is to live with until I got him to read your personal story.And when I read it,it has meant so very much to me.In a way it makes me feel like am not alone,ur such a special person for writing such special words that I will keep always.❤️

  80. Haley A Davisson
    Haley A Davisson says:

    I am about to send this to my husband. This is the most accurate letter I’ve ever read. Thank you so much!!

  81. Emily
    Emily says:

    So when I read your blog post, a light bulb went off. Everything you had said clicked (excluding how your depression affects how you feel like your doing as a mother – I’m not there yet, zero kiddos). I have dealt with depression before, but more circumstantial. I’ve never felt what you might call “functional depression.” I just thought that I was going crazy, conflicted in my thoughts and feelings. And honestly, maybe I still am going crazy. But it is comforting to know that I am not alone.

    I was hoping you might have advice, a mantra or something, that keeps you from spiraling when you think you’re not good enough, you’re not worthy of love, etc. My boyfriend is incredibly understanding and supportive, but I’m hoping that there is a way that I could also be supportive and understanding for myself.

  82. Robi
    Robi says:

    Beautiful letter. I suffer from depression and it is wearing my husband down. Last night after we had a bad argument, I sent him a similar email before I went to bed. But in the morning, we talked about it and what struck me was that he said that my depression was wearing him out and that’s why he’s not as patient anymore. It broke my heart and I feel so bad that he has put up with me for 7 years now. I have no friends or anyone else I can talk to. Makes me want to give up. I hope none of you are in a similar situation. Wishing you all love, hope and strength.

  83. Wendy
    Wendy says:

    The last few days have been so very difficult for me, even begging God to end my life that I don’t want to go on another day feeling this way, that it’s too much to bare. I can’t keep doing it anymore. I’ve suffered with major clinical depression for about 36 years. Anxiety came later & that’s been 10 yrs. Next came PTSD witch is a direct result of my poor choices stemming from my depression & poor choic of a boyfriend who injured me badly causing a head injury & leaving me with seizures, fear of the dark, & PTSD. The overwhelming feeling of letting my parents, siblings, children, grandkids, & friends down is too much. The feeling of not ever being “enough” is too much. Not being able to think clear thoughts in order is too. Then I’ll get a reprieve & feel not as bad even though I’m still depressed but I can breath a little. Thank you for this…I know others suffer from the same things but you still feel so alone, so reading this at least for today has giving me a day where I’m not quite alone in this lonely walk.
    Bless you for your courage,

  84. Claudia Z Prieto
    Claudia Z Prieto says:

    WOW! This is pretty much true for us who suffer from depression and our loved ones around us. I have a boyfriend whom I get really irritated with almost annoyed when he feels the need to say something of which I asked him NOT to say. I feel that he disrespected my wish just to say what HE wanted to say. I am too tired to be angry right now. Mainly I’m just sad, but I don’t want to talk to him. I just want my baby and my parents. I feel broken and I don’t know when will I ever be me again. I have so many battles within and they are my stressors/anxiety/depression. Anyhow, thanks for this letter.


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