Autism is not a gift.

I wish my child didn’t have ASD…

I’m tired of seeing people write about how they wouldn’t change their child because autism is part of them and a gift.

Well I call bs on that.
A gift?

Autism is not a gift.

But my child is gifted.

Agree or not autism IS a disability.

It is not always debilitating but it is not something people would put on a wish list.

But it’s also something I never spend time wishing away.

We are on this autism journey for life whether we like it or not.

But it will not define my son.

Just as depression or cancer or asthma or diabetes doesn’t define who you are.

Autism is nothing to be ashamed of.

Not ever.

But it also isn’t something I’d wish for.

It’s a complicated life living with ASD.

And one we’ve fully embraced for years even pre-diagnosis.

But boy would I eradicate it if I could.

Labels are razors. Change is gut wrenching. Habits are heart breaking. Anxiety is vile. Water is scary. Clothes are never right. Socks are chaos. Public toilets are septic tanks. Sensory overload is torture.

Are people glad their children suffer any of these things when they say that ASD is a gift?

I don’t think so. I think they’re scared and winging it like the rest of us.

My boy has ASD and he is autistic.

We love him beyond love.

I don’t see his ASD as him.

I see his struggles and we tackle them head on daily, sometimes hourly.

I don’t want him to say his ASD is a gift, instead I want him to see it as a challenge.

I want him to take pride in his bravery, his resilience, his achievements.

I want him to know he isn’t just his disability.

But I can’t let him think ASD is a gift.

It’s a pretty naff “gift”.

We’ll keep calling it a challenge because autism is not a gift.

Anxiety is such an overused term in todays world, but if you really suffer with anxiety issues then you know it’s no light hearted matter. In fact it’s horrendous and debilitating. This is why it is so important to help children with anxiety.

Different things affect different people, but during your life you’ll no doubt experience anxiety on some level. Circumstances can make us anxious, waiting for news can make us anxious, rollercoasters can make us anxious, the unknown can make us anxious, but these soon pass. Anxiety as a diagnosis does not pass. It can lie dormant for years, and then it can attack out of the blue. It can consume your every waking thought. It can lurk within the night sky. It can be anywhere, at anytime. The only certain thing about anxiety is that it’s uncertain.

I’ve suffered from anxiety for a few years now, which I take medication for, but it only takes the edge from it. Some days I don’t have many anxious thoughts, other days they suffocate me, even in my sleep. It’s not conscious worry, it’s a suffocating feeling. It makes your heart feel like it missed a beat. It feels like you can’t breathe in deep enough. It feels like the world’s in slow-motion. It feels like a million things. It gives you irrational thoughts. It turns paper cuts into septic wounds. It turns headaches in tumours. It turns a cough into a terminal illness. It turns people into vindictive evil doers. It turns school runs into catastrophic events. It puts an invisible force fields around front doors. It imagines the worst of each scenario and then replays them in your head. It remembers words you spoke five years ago over and over again. It makes you restless. It’s erratic, irrational, but it’s unstoppable. Sometimes you can grip it, and sometimes you can’t.

As an adult I have come to understand my anxiety, but it still scares the hell out of me sometimes. The lack of control over it is one of the worst parts for me. It may all be in my head, but my whole body reacts to it. And the same is true with children. My eldest suffers with anxiety, it’s alongside his ASD so they often intertwine. It breaks my heart seeing his anxiety arise and not being able to take it away from him. BUT I am determined to help him understand it and deal with it in the moment. It’s been a long learning process for me, so I’m going to impart all I’ve learnt to him at an early age. Even now I can see a huge difference in his response to things.

A good self esteem can help battle anxiety. I don’t have a good self esteem. I battle that everyday. So I’m determined to ensure my boys have a healthy concept of themselves, it’s so important.

We, my husband and I, do so many things at home to help our children have a healthy view of themselves. I think it’s fundamental in having a healthy childhood. I often leave little notes on their door telling them reasons we think they’re amazing, or a note under their pillows to remind them they’re loved. These are such simple things, but have a mighty impact upon their hearts and minds. We cuddle, we say I love you out loud, a lot. We have random ta parties just because, I print ‘I love you’ on their toast, I make them certificates and stickers. All these little thins let them know they,re thought of and cared for.

I try to teach them that they don’t need to aim for perfection. I always tell them they just have to try their best at things and that not everybody is amazing at everything, and that’s ok. I don’t put pressure on them academically, we try to make things fun. THEY are not a spelling test score, THEY are not a maths score. They are loved, and important despite scores.

We also made some strength jars last year – they worked amazing and still do today. I got them to write down things they like about themselves and things they are good at and then put them into a jar to keep on the shelf in our lounge. Their faces beam when they reread them and add to them. It’s a good self-esteem boost for them.

I teach them the power of encouragement and we often play a little game where we have to tell each other one nice thing or pay each other a compliment. This helps them realise it feels good to be kind too.

Self esteem is so important in helping anxiety, it is a key component of being able to battle it head on.

When my seven year old is particularly anxious he licks his lips and chews his sleeves, so we have fidget toys on hand to help occupy his hands and channel his anxiety in a healthier way. These work time and time again. He also takes one to school. We have a bucket full of them. We have egg timers, liquid timers, lights, squishy toys, Jacobs ladders, rubix cubes, putty, marble mazes, exercise elastics, so any things, and they all help. We will often use this bucket of fidget and relaxation toys for five minutes before they go to sleep to help relax them and turn their little minds into sleep mode. Both of my children enjoy this bucket of toys, not just the one with anxiety, they’re a very good calming tool.

Reassurance is also a big key in helping your child learn to deal with anxiety. Anxiety gives you such irrational thoughts, and even though you know they’re irrational your mind still convinces you they’re real. It makes you feel like you’re being stupid, so it’s hard to verbalise them, but it’s so important to. Reassure them it’s ok, and if it worries them then it’s never silly. After years of reassurance my boy now tells us his worries more often than not and often without prompting. This enables you to work through them logically with them an give them a technique to try and bat away the anxious thoughts.

We also have a Worry Monster. It’s worked wonders! My boys can write down what’s bothering them and then pop it into the worry monsters mouth and zip it up. It’s like a way to vent and release I guess, and it also gives you a chance to read their worries and further help them.

When anxiety strikes it can conjure up so many emotions and even as an adult it’s confusing, so imagine how hard it is for children. We purchased little a keying fob of faces and emotions for our boy to look through and figure out which ones he felt. He loves this. It helps him ground his feelings and put a name to them, even if he is feeling a mixture of four at once.

If your child suffers with anxiety then I’d advise you to seek medical help and also talk to their school. You know your child better than anybody and anxiety is not something to take lightly, if dealt with properly it doesn’t have to be debilitating. Children are resilient creatures and with the right help they can get a handle on their anxiety. But the help doesn’t just start and end with professionals. There are so many things you can do at home to help them, like all the activities and items I’ve listed here in this post. There are also lots of books out their for children to better understand their anxiety. This helps lift the shame barrier too, and helps them to understand they’re not different, just facing a different challenge to some of their friends.

Anxiety is not nice, but it doesn’t have to define you.

I’ve had two Caesarean Sections in the last seven years, and both were planned. They had a lot of similarities, but also a lot of differences. My first caesarean section was at 36+5 weeks due to issues with my blood pressure and spinal pressure. I didn’t know what to expect, no amount of googling prepared me. It all seemed so surreal on the morning waiting to be prepped for theatre. They made me wear some support stockings after I had my hospital gown on. Wow they are awkward to get on! And so unattractive. I was told not to wear nail varnish or makeup, so I made sure I fake tanned the day before! I did also have my nails done and my toes pedicured, but hey, each to their own I guess. I didn’t want to feel totally rank.

I remember walking down to theatre and sitting on a large metal bed. It felt freezing. The anaesthetist explained the procedure of the anaesthetic, and I remember trembling. I have a phobia of needles in my spine after several lumbar punctures in the previous years. After a few attempts they put the spinal block in and lay me down whilst it started working. They then covered me up and fitted a screen, and then let my husband in.

Its all a little blurred to be honest now. I remember looking up at the lights and feeling like I was in a dream. The doctors kept chatting to me and my husband like this was normal. It was so not normal. We were going to be parents! I was petrified. Thy literally told me step by step as they were doing things; the incision, the bursting of my waters. They then said you can expect to feel a tugging sensation shortly. And that I surely did! It was the weirdest experience ever. I felt some tugging inside of me yet couldn’t actually feel it. It didn’t hurt though, not at all. And within minutes they told me my little boy was here and they swaddled him up and checked him over. Thy handed him to my husband who brought him over to me. He was scrumptious.

My little bundle of joy then got whisked away with his daddy whilst I was stitched back up, it was the longest 30 minutes of my life! I remember going back into the recovery room to see my husband and meet our little man properly, and it felt weird, odd, they literally left us to it. What do I do? So, I tried to feed him, unsuccessfully but I tried.

I was then taken back up on the maternity ward and filled with pain relief. They then washed me. I was totally numb, so that was a little weird. Dignity totally gone by now! I actually felt ok, and after 10 hours they got me up out of bed and walking around. I recovered really quickly, and was home 36 hours later, and shopping after being home 48 hours. My c-section healed really nicely and my stitches dissolved quickly. All in all it was ok and not as painful as I had anticipated. Laughing and coughing hurt though, so, so bad, but the more it hurt the more you laugh. And I won’t explain the post-baby poop you do, because my goodness, brace yourselves because it’s like squeezing a melon through a keyhole, that’s all I’m saying! They need to write this in birthing books, it’s quite an horrific part!

My second caesarean section, however, was not a good experience. Not at all. Seven days before my planned section I fell down the stairs and broke my ankle. Baby was fine but my ankle was not. I broke it in a place that wouldn’t heal if weight was put onto it, so I had to not use it at all. Can you imagine being nine months pregnant and trying to hop? It was vile. I couldn’t get up stairs or anything. It was 7 days from hell, and then I went in to have my section. It then got delayed by 2 days. I was an emotional wreck and in so much agony with my ankle it was unreal. Then the C-section happened, the spinal block and then the baby being born. All good. They then stapled me up instead of stitches and fitted a drain to stop infection. A whole new experience for me. What followed was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. I think I was so high on the pain meds for my ankle that nothing touched the sides when it came to my caesarean wound. I was totally out of it yet it excruciating agony. I don’t really remember much of the first day or the visitors. I couldn’t get out of bed when I needed to. The drain hurt to be taken out on day 3, and I ended up in hospital for 6 days, and was still in agony. Once I was home I still then had my ankle boot cast on for 4 more weeks, so couldn’t start this new journey as I’d hoped. My staples hurt, even more so when I had to use one leg. And the post-baby poop -jeez! I will say though I was petrified of my midwife coming to my house and removing my staples, but it actually didn’t hurt at all.

With my first caesarean sectionI had never heard of post-contractions. and thankfully I didn’t get any, but with my second C-section I had contractions 7 days after my operation. I’ve never experienced anything  like it, the staples did not help. After a few hours and an emergency phone call they settled. I wish somebody had warned me. So, here’s your warning.

So, there you go, two very different caesarean section experiences. The truth, no false bravado etc. A caesarean section is definitely not easy, but sometimes it is easier than other times. But it’s doable. Just talk to people who’ve experienced it and not just written a book about it.

Here’s a few necessities to remember when having a caesarean section (they’ll make you feel slightly less gross):

Dry shampoo

Drinks

A book

BIG HUGE comfortable underpants

Moisturiser

Face wipes

Mints

Hope my truth about my caesarean section helped a little.

Does your child have good self esteem? I ask myself this question so many times, and have done since my babies were newly born. How do you even tell? Sometimes I don’t think you can tell, and other times it is pretty obvious.

Children are born with various personalities, some is nature and some is nurture. A LOT is nurture. As a care giver we have a huge responsibility to help these little beings and big beings figure out their self worth, and in my opinion it is one of the most important jobs you will ever have. It literally has the power of life or death. No pressure then huh?! It used to worry me endlessly, but now it doesn’t. I do everything in my power to make sure my boys have a healthy self esteem.

Self esteem is not something that happens overnight, it’s years and years of life endeavours, task failures, successes, losses, obstacles, learning, and battles. Self esteem is something you cultivate and nurture over a period of time, and the younger you start the better.

I don’t particularly have a very good self esteem but I’m working on it. Life has not often been kind to my self esteem so it hasn’t grown as well as it should have, which is why I am determined that my children will have a good sense of self worth. And I think they have.

How can you cultivate self worth in children?

Children are so impressionable from such a young age so praise is very important. It shows you care, that they did well and tried their best, and it encourages them to try again next time. I am a firm believer in praise. It goes a long way. I don’t buy into the ‘tough love’ regime, and never will. Love isn’t tough.

If my children fail, I am there telling them to try again, and again, even if its over a few days or weeks or months. Teach them not to quit, but that it’s ok to fail if we pick ourselves up and try again. Tell them that unless you make a mistake you never learn anything. Mistakes are ok, lying in defeat is not. Help them build their stamina.

Don’t do everything for your children, as tempting as it may be. Let them do things by themselves, encourage them to try, and if they cannot manage the task then tell them you will help them because they tried their best first. They will surprise you and themselves! I promise!

Teach them to write their failures in the sand and their successes upon the rocks.

Tell them you love them, often. Never let them wonder. Even if you were raised without those words do not let your children live their life never hearing them. Cuddle them. Tell them things you like about them. Tell them you love being their momma etc. Tell them. Every single day tell them! Leave them a note. Press a heart into their toast. Let them know you think about them.

If your child struggles with self esteem try a Strength Jar. This is simply a jar filled with pieces of paper, and upon these pieces of paper you get your child to write down all the things they are good at and like about themselves, and you can write them too. One you’re finished read through them weekly, and place on a shelf within reach. My boys really loved this activity and still look at them a year on!

Choose your words carefully. I know kids can drive us insane and we all get irate and say things we don’t mean but just make sure you apologise when you need too. Words can hurt but apologies are a great medicine. You are never too old to apologise. It will teach your child a good lesson in forgiveness and empathy too.

No app can replace your lap.

Read with your kids. Knowing you want to spend time with them will do their heart the world of good. Even 5 minutes a day will make the difference. It will widen their imagination too which is a very good thing!

If they ask for a cuddle give them a cuddle. If they ask for a second cuddle give them a second cuddle. If they ask for a third cuddle…get my drift? Life is too short to not give them that third cuddle. Tomorrow is not promised to anybody and I sure as hell do not want to wish I’d have cuddled my child for a third time and are no longer be able to. Hearts are breaking around this world for lost loved ones, so cherish the ones you have whilst you have them.

Teach them that we are all unique. Teach them it’s ok to be different and that it doesn’t make us less. Teach them about the importance of being kind and compassionate. Teach them to sit with the lonely. Teach them to look out for others. Teach them to help. Teach them be assertive. Teach them about mental health and self care. Teach them to be a good human being. Teach them that their best IS good enough.

Teach them that academic ability is NOT the most important thing in life.

Listen to their worries, their concerns. It may be little things, to them they are big things. When you listen to the little concerns, you validate them. This will go a long way in raising your children to never suffer in silence.

Raising children is the most important job you could have ever been given, even when it’s hard, even when it hurts, even when you’re exhausted, even when you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, keep going, keep learning, keep loving.