Silent Hurricane

Dear Depression

Dear Depression,

Emotions are a bizarre thing as you surely know. One minute a person can feel on top of the world, the next they question their very existence. You are solely to blame.

Sometimes we see you on your way – a little speck in the distance. We run in the opposite direction. You approach slowly, the silent hurricane. You try to creep in quietly yet the chaos you bring with you is there for all to see.

Sometimes you pounce without warning – this is when I despise you the most. You pounce, then you hold on tight, and nobody knows how long your ride will last. You are an intruder. You press down on my shoulders harder and harder until I am on knees. Little did I know, on my knees is the best place to be. If you can’t walk, crawl. Never stand still, never give in.

Your grip smothers my vision, my soul, my heart, my feelings, and every breath that I take. You invite your other friends to gatecrash with you; loneliness, low self-esteem, fatigue, hopelessness. One by one they jump on board and engulf.

You linger like a big black cloud. Nothing blows you away – you run on your own time. I hate that.

Nobody can understand unless they’ve met you too. You have a way of convincing people it’s a simple case of mood swings, and sadness, a sadness that will pass. But, you don’t pass. You are here for the duration.  You are a very good liar.

It must be terribly boring always draining the life out of people. Do your arms not get tired from trying to strangle the very life out of so many people, especially the fighters. Do the fighters not bother you? I think they do. They have you running scared, so you tighten your grip – sometimes you succeed, many more times you don’t.

I’m a fighter. A forever fighter. I’m battle tired, sometimes weary, sometimes lying low, but never, ever defeated. I’ll ride every single storm and black cloud, I’ll even drag myself through if needs be, but I’ll always wait for the sunshine because the sunshine always comes!

I’m tired of your lies, your taunts, your negativity. They have no place in my life, you can keep them.

Black clouds you are not welcome. My children deserve sunshine. You will never block the path to the sun in our lives. My hope is brighter than the dullest night you have offered me.

I do not do bargains with such hideous creatures. I am not for the taking. My heart, my rules.

Yours (not so) faithfully

A tired momma

9 replies
  1. Melissa Mowry
    Melissa Mowry says:

    This is so beautifully written and hauntingly familiar for someone who lost years of her life to debilitating depression and low self esteem. It’s true that it never really goes away, just sort of goes into hiding, waiting to attack again. But you are definitely a fighter and depression hates those kinds of people who are willing to fight back and not just succumb to it. I am inspired by your will to kick depression’s ass and I’m so glad you see the sunshine up ahead, even on the really bad days. That, to me, is what winning against depression really means. Not that you won’t have bad days or even bad weeks or months, but that you can recognize it’s not forever. Congratulations on being stronger than depression, because you most certainly are.

    Reply
  2. Joy @ Yesterfood
    Joy @ Yesterfood says:

    Hang tight, Becci. Sometimes it’s hard to share about the Silent Hurricane. So many people want to tell you the “cure”- they know exactly what you should do for it, and the (sometimes ridiculous) things they suggest take way more energy to chase than the hurricane allows you to have, anyway. 🙂 The hurricane is strong, but you are stronger, and WE are stronger still. We will form a tight circle around you until it passes (Ha! You didn’t see THAT coming, did you, hurricane?). ♥

    Reply
  3. Bonnie
    Bonnie says:

    I was moved to tears by this piece, I have struggled greatly with depression and I know how hard that fight is. It never ends, we are always fighting against the darkness. My children are the guiding light in that fight, they make everything have meaning, they make the sadness in the world less powerful. They deserve a mama who will not stop fighting. I feel the exact same way, thank you for putting those sentiments into such beautiful words!

    Reply
  4. Linds
    Linds says:

    Every single thing you have written is exactly what I feel not every day but the days I do are so hard… I am also a mother of 2 small boys they are the light at the end of the dark tunnel! Thank you for writing all the feelings I feel and using the words I can’t find to describe exactly the struggles we both have!! I will be forever grateful to know I’m not alone and to know there are many of us out there!

    Reply

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