A four year old changed my life

Tonight I’ve been silently reminiscing over the last four years. Where have they gone?

My baby boy is four tomorrow! Big boy four! I feel like I’ve had him forever. He radically changed my life from the very beginning. Four years has flown by, yet I cannot imagine life without being his momma. D1 & D2 rock my world. My four year old and my two year old are the air I breathe!

I remember very vividly the exact moment we found out we were expecting our first child. We were so happy. It didn’t seem real. It took a long time to sink in. That day was a massive turning point for me personally, both emotionally and mental health wise. It was the day I became a mum, and the day I ended being a self-harmer. Forgive my brutal honesty, but that’s exactly what happened. My new role saved me.

This time 4 years ago I was nervous, emotional, excited, amd having a pedicure courtesy of my husband. I remember repacking my hospital bag and D1’s bag. Folding the new tiny baby grows made my heart melt and also made me anxious. It had not beem a smooth pregnancy to say the least, but we got to 36 +5 weeks.

We had bought newborn clothes, tiny baby clothes, and premature clothes. We didn’t know how heavy he would be. I was 36 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I was booked in for a cesarean.

I wasn’t very nervous about the actual cesarean, just the spinal block. Due to a neurological illness I have become accustomed to lumbar punctures over the last 4 years prior to falling pregnant. I hate them with a passion. A spinal block was the same sort of procedure. It petrified me.

I don’t think I slept at all that evening. Tomorrow was the biggest day of our lives.

You worry if you’ll love your baby enough. Will you be a good momma? What will he look like? Will he have ten toes and ten fingers? Will he have hair? What if he’s not ok? Will my operation go well? Will I look a complete troll? Will my husband throw up? Will I cry? Will I be able to breastfeed? Will his outfits fit?

The spinal block was as bad as I thought. The cesarean was not too bad.

Laying on the operating table feeling somebody yanking away at your insides is a very bizarre feeling. Feeling your waters break is also up there on the bizarre feeling scale.

I don’t remember hearing D1 cry. It was a whirlwind. I remember him being weighed and checked. I kept asking if he was ok. Then the glorious moment came. Here he was. Our adorable, wrinkled baby boy. He was so tiny. 5lb 8oz. I loved him that very second. An unbreakable, unconditional love. My boy. Our boy.

I remember him being whisked away with my husband whilst I got stitched up. It was the longest 15 minutes of my entire life. Worth the wait though.

I was so scared to hold my baby. What if I broke him? What if he cried? How on earth do I feed him? Then the maternal instinct kicked in. This momma vowed to forever give her all for this little boy.

I cannot believe it was almost four years ago. We have so many memories.

There were endless sleepless nights. There still are.

There was pneumonia, tonsillitis, dairy allergies, viruses, bugs, hospital admittals, croup, flat feet, anaemia, tongue ties.

There were holidays, funfairs, farms, parties, cakes, parks.

There were santa letters, reindeer dust, christmas eve boxes, presents.

There were tantrums, scratching, pushing, timeouts, tears.

There were play fights, duvet days, movie nights, special treats.

There was a little brother, three became four.

There was a broken ankle.

But above all there was always, always love.

The last four years were jampacked with love. Unconditonal love.

I am far from perfect. Infact, I probably fail more than most. I yell. I am impatient. I have bad days. I’m grumpy if I am tired. My kids throw the best tantrums around. Some days we don’t go outside or do crafts. But I always love my babies. I always tell them I love them. I’m always grateful I have them. I always try to be better. I always put their happiness first. I always will.

Heres to the next four years being just as great, if not better.

Happy birthday eve my precious firstborn. Our miracle.