I love my children beyond comprehension, they also drain 99% of the life out of me at the same time. How about yours? I’m guessing I’m not alone in this. My children are generally well-behaved, but they’re children. Gorgeous, world changing, life sucking children.
Do you ever wonder what it is like to have two under three years of age? Well, wonder no more! I’m glad they’re now school age!
4:55am – One child needs a wee. He wakes up half the street on his two metre journey to the bathroom.
4:58am – One child jumps back into bed so loud that the other awakens and shouts “I scared!”
5am – They both drift back off to sleep. Daddy continues snoring. Mummy lies awake dreaming of sleep and winning the lottery. Mummy eventually slips into a half-asleep half-awake state.
5:50am – One child cries because he’s hungry and needs a ham sandwich. Mummy convinces him to watch a movie in bed. Mummy’s eyes hurt. The other still snores. Daddy still snores.
6:15am – The awake child is starving and needs food now before Hanger becomes an issue. Mummy fetches a pre- breakfast. The other child still snores. The awake child doesn’t want to eat anymore, he flails. Hanger reigns. We cuddle. We find a TV show. He now eats. Mummy’s fully awake. Daddy snores.
7am – Alarm is snoozed by daddy. Alarm wakes the sleeping child. He gets into bed with mummy, daddy, and his brother. Daddy snores. Daddy gets jumped on and wrestled by the two boys. Daddy is not a morning person.
7:15am – Alarm snoozed again. Both boys are now in full Wreck it Ralph mode. We go downstairs to play. Daddy snores.
7:30am – Breakfast, milk, blanket & movie time. One child doesn’t share. The other child pulls the blanket. My floor is full of butter side down toast and blueberries. One of them stands on the blueberries. We clean up. We play.
8:45 – Daddy leaves for work. The boys play Duplo. My eldest doesn’t want to share the Duplo, he whacks it off his brthers face. His brother slamdunks him. Both boys get sat out. It takes six attempts for them to sit out. This sharing / wrestling goes on until snack time. Mummy is referee. Mummy plays. Mummy tidies. Mummy puts the kettle on to boil.
9:15 – Bath time. One child agrees. One runs naked around the landing. Mummy ignores him. The complient child gets in the bath. He pours half of the water over my floor. He is in trouble. He laughs. I get annoyed. I drag a screaming other child into the bath. I plonk him in. He cries. He moans. He eventually plays. Shampoo time. They scream to have it on, they scream to have it washed off. One cries about the plug dragon getting his toes. One pretends he is the plug dragon. Mummy is soaked. We get dry, all of us, after two games of naked chasing. Mummy gets washed and dressed with an audience.
10:15am – Snack time. Mummy reboils kettle to have that first drink. One child needs a poop. One child wants snack. Poop then snack. Now the other poops. Poop then snack. Boys sit on sofa and eat snack. One child needs a bath from snack. He gets a baby wipe bath.
10:45am – We draw some pictures. One child draws a storm cloud, which he scrunches up and throws off his brothers head, apparently it’s raining on him. Luckily he ignores him and doodles away. One draws around his own hand. The other copies. My youngest tattoos his whole body with a Crayola marker before I can reach him.
11:15 – We build a fort. We watch a few minutes of a movie on the tablet in the fort. We have a tea party in the fort. One child is a dragon and breaks down the fort. The other child breaks down about the dragon. We rebuild the fort which is now a pirate ship. One child becomes a crocodile. He bites his brother on the foot. He cries. My eldest is still a crocodile.
11:45 – Mummy prepares lunch. One wants six ham and six jam sandwiches, the other wants cheese and ice cream. The boys eat a ham sandwich and a salad in their fort. Mummy reboils the kettle for that first drink.
12:30pm – One child makes a Duplo stadium. The other breaks it. He pushes him over. Both boys are warned. They repeat this. One cries for fifty minutes and the other goes on a rampage with the Duplo. Mummy counts to ten.
1pm – We bake cakes. One child sneezes into the mixture. One eats a tablespoon of butter straight out the packet. One cries his cakes aren’t cool enough to decorate yet. We decorate warm cakes. They eat 75% of the cakes. One needs a poop. Mummy reboils the kettle and grabs a biscuit to eat.
1:45pm – Snack time. One wants raisins. One wants chicken. We have yoghurt. Then raisins. No chicken. My youngest now wears a yoghurt face mask and so does my fireplace.
2pm – One drums. One sings Summer in the style of Olaf. One sneezes, it goes everywhere. The other cries because he has bogies on his arm from brother. We use more wipes.
2:10pm – Mummy reboils kettle, throws in some washing, and eats half a banana. One cries for half a banana. One poops.
2:30pm – Playdoh time. One child makes a ship. One eats a playdoh snake. We cut. We roll. We make a whole playdoh happy land village. He still eats the snake.
2:55pm – Mummy boils the kettle for that first drink.
3pm – One wants to play shops. He gets his cash register and trolley. His brother steals his trolley. He screams and throws the cash register. He apologises. His brother wants a kiss. He doesn’t.
3:15pm – Mummy boils the kettle, and makes a drink.
3:30pm – Mummy prepares dinner. Mummy drinks a cold cup of tea. One child cries for carrots and chicken. Dinner cooks away. They have a 15 minute technology chill. One wants the game that his brother is playing. He snatches the tablet and throws it over the sofa. One cries. One gets sat out. He cries. Mummy wants to cry.
4pm – Dinner time. One refuses to eat. The other eats his in one go and tries to steal his brothers. One knocks over his milkshake. Mummy cleans up. Pudding time. One child needs to be hosed down.
4:45pm – Mummy tries to clean up after dinner. Both kids throw the sofa cushions into a heap and shout “soft play!”. Mummy says otherwise. Mummy says otherwise again. Nobody listens. Mummy now doesn’t care less about her sofa. We have a soft play session. They wrestle. There are tears.
5:30pm – Chill out and pyjama time. Nobody chills. Nobody wants pyjamas on. Daddy is home. More wrestling, now with three children.
6pm – Bedtime. Nobody wants milk. One child has to be held down again for his teeth to be brushed. There’s bed jumping, screaming, wrestling, dribbling, sweaty boys, and tears. We persevere. Two boys snore.
6:30pm – Mummy sometimes falls asleep until morning. Daddy plays his Xbox.
Then cue getting up at 30 minute intervals until morning.
How does yours compare? Are we normal? I doubt it!