Emotions are a bizarre thing as you surely know. One minute a person can feel on top of the world, the next they question their very existence. You are solely to blame.
Sometimes we see you on your way – a little speck in the distance. We run in the opposite direction. You approach slowly, the silent hurricane. You try to creep in quietly yet the chaos you bring with you is there for all to see.
Sometimes you pounce without warning – this is when I despise you the most. You pounce, then you hold on tight, and nobody knows how long your ride will last. You are an intruder. You press down on my shoulders harder and harder until I am on knees. Little did I know, on my knees is the best place to be. If you can’t walk, crawl. Never stand still, never give in.
Your grip smothers my vision, my soul, my heart, my feelings, and every breath that I take. You invite your other friends to gatecrash with you; loneliness, low self-esteem, fatigue, hopelessness. One by one they jump on board and engulf.
You linger like a big black cloud. Nothing blows you away – you run on your own time. I hate that.
Nobody can understand unless they’ve met you too. You have a way of convincing people it’s a simple case of mood swings, and sadness, a sadness that will pass. But, you don’t pass. You are here for the duration. You are a very good liar.
It must be terribly boring always draining the life out of people. Do your arms not get tired from trying to strangle the very life out of so many people, especially the fighters. Do the fighters not bother you? I think they do. They have you running scared, so you tighten your grip – sometimes you succeed, many more times you don’t.
I’m a fighter. A forever fighter. I’m battle tired, sometimes weary, sometimes lying low, but never, ever defeated. I’ll ride every single storm and black cloud, I’ll even drag myself through if needs be, but I’ll always wait for the sunshine because the sunshine always comes!
I’m tired of your lies, your taunts, your negativity. They have no place in my life, you can keep them.
Black clouds you are not welcome. My children deserve sunshine. You will never block the path to the sun in our lives. My hope is brighter than the dullest night you have offered me.
I do not do bargains with such hideous creatures. I am not for the taking. My heart, my rules.
Yours (not so) faithfully
A tired momma
Depression and anxiety often come hand in hand. Speak to your gp, despite being petrified. You won’t regret it. Or speak to your pharmacy about managing some of your anxiety symptoms. Don’t try and fight these monsters alone, you deserve to live in freedom.